Are you a person that likes to spend ´5 days alone in the dark´, or are you more a ´5 days in a cosy cabin in the middle of the woods with sunny weather´ kind of person?
I like both actually.
As I am writing this blog I realized that it is exactly 4 years ago I was in a 5 days Darkretreat in Gent, Belgium.
In 2021 I spent 5 days on a dark retreat by myself. At that time it was a while since I had last driven a car, and I had just finished some refresh driving lessons. It was a challenging ride with some difficult maneuvers here and there.
When I arrived at my destination, the wonderful woman, Bhakti, that was taking care of me during these next five days asked me ´how was your journey?´. I felt so relieved to have arrived that I said ´I think the dark retreat is the easiest part of this journey´.
And that is exactly how it felt. I did have my challenges in the dark, but I was quite happy to be removed from the outside world for 5 days. No external stimulation, no phone, no social media, and no idea what was happening outside of those 4 walls. Just me, myself and I. For many people, this will not be an option, but I felt a deep longing to experience this.
In hindsight, those 5 days were quite short. It took some time for me to adjust and detox the brain. In the first two days I had to adjust to the darkness, also with many thoughts, a lot of people came along, and digested a lot of situations.
On the 3rd day all kinds of crazy things were happening. I heard a hard bang and falling glass, like a broken light bulb. And I heard the isolation material in the hall was moving, like someone wanted to break through this. When I checked with my hands, I felt there was some of the material lying on the ground.
After the 5 days, Bhakti, let me know that it were probably spirits. And she told me about a guy that stayed before me in a dark retreat, and during his stay there was a moment where he panicked and wanted to break free. So apparently his energy was there. I was very happy that I heard this information afterwards 😉
I remember how tasty the food was that she prepared for me twice a day. I ate with my hands to sense the food and the whole experience of eating was so intense and very delicious.
I did a lot of meditating these days, and the interesting thing was, that there was no difference in darkness with open or closed eyes. And in the last two days I saw myself sitting in a cave and experienced all different kinds of light, although it was dark.
Also I had specific thoughts about a friend and her process, I had all kinds of interesting ideas that popped up. When I told her this after the Darkretreat, she confirmed to me that all ideas I had, she acted on this. I guess this was a kind of a telepathic conversation we had.
Overall the whole experience in the dark gave me a deep sense of calmness, clarity and feeling confident within myself, this Ill never forget.
The most magical after moment was when I saw the daylight for the first time after these 5 days. A blue sky, the winter sun and a ton of snow. I had to dig my car out of the snow and scrape the ice of my windows before I could drive away, while wearing sunglasses of course 😉
I drove straight to our cabin in the woods, to spend a bit more time in solitude while slowly letting the outside world in again.
If you had asked me 20 years ago if I would go on a 5-day dark retreat, I would have panicked at just the thought of it, with sweat gushing under my armpits. At the same time, I was always someone who could entertain myself. Since I grew up as an only child, I learned to play by myself at a young age. Probably also because I grew up as an only child.
At 17 years old I spent 4 weeks alone in Greece, but it was a place I already knew, and knew some people there. In 2015, at 42, I was still nervous about going on a day trip by myself or spending a half day walking alone.
That year, I did my first solo walking trip. I spent two weeks walking a part of the camino el Norte (on the coast in northern Spain). On my Facebook account you can still read about this trip and see the pictures. On this trip I realized how happy I am to spend time with myself from time to time.
Looking back, this all connects to the process I have been through. The deep fears I looked straight in the eye. My deepest pains that I integrated. And as a result, being able to feel the adventurous side of life. I felt free from the baggage I carried with me for years.
Your journey is your adventure, and it is unique to you alone. And I hope you get to experience your adventure in your own way, that you can look back (both now and later) with a feeling of satisfaction.
Is that the case for you?
What is your deepest fear?
What would you love to experience?
What makes you intensely happy?
For me, the answers to these questions came through my body. I learned (by trial and error) to trust and to sink into my pelvis. To no longer listen to the answers of my mental chatter. By taking the symptoms of my body seriously I came to clarity and answers.
Are you curious to know which answers? Maybe you have read ´the story of my why´?
After years of ignoring them, I started listening to the signs of my body and it lead to feeling a deeper trust in life. In my blog ´tuning into the wisdom of your pelvis´ I guide you towards tuning into your pelvis.
Do you, or someone you know, suffer from pain or symptoms around the menstrual cycle? I made the coaching program ´The wisdom of your pelvis´ especially for them that experience symptoms in this area.
To the adventures of life,
Jessica
¨‘All of humanity’s problems stem from our inability to sit quietly in a room alone¨ ~ Blaise Pascal